I Love...

The Kentucky Derby!
I really love horse racing! For years it's been our tradition to watch the Kentucky Derby as a family and make our picks for the winner. This year, the 136th Derby, was a bummer that Cody was gone, but the kids and I had tons of fun anyway. Jocelyn and I love horses so we were pretty much in heaven and Aimee, of course, thought we were watching it for all the hats!

She is such a diva and begged me to take her there so she can "wear a beautiful hat and some nice shoes".

The track was so "sloppy" as they call it, covered in tons of mud from the heavy rain they'd had, but I tell you what, it is pretty intense and so awesome to see the fastest two minutes in sports. This year's winner was "Super Saver" riden by Jockey Calvin Borel who's won the Derby three out of the last four years. That's a record. So now we can get excited for the other two races in the Triple Crown- The Preakness is on Sat. May 15 and the Belmont Stakes is Sat. June 5.

"Keep on keepin' on"

One of the most difficult times in my life was last year shortly after we moved to our house. Ben was home and we were attempting to assimilate back into real life. I would get frustrated, frequently, that I couldn't seem to get a better handle on things. I asked for advice from some of my role-model friends and family and tried to incorporate some of it that I thought would work for us. But the problems were still there, and really, it was time for me to face them, which meant facing myself.

I am admittedly a little obsessive about things that don't really matter sometimes. For example, I only drink water and it has to be filtered and cold and I freak out if there isn't enough in the water jug for a full glass (yes we have an ice/water maker on our fridge but I don't trust it to be clean enough). I can't fall asleep during a movie and I have to finish listening to a song on the radio before I can turn the car off. I take the condition of my girls' hair seriously, too seriously, and if you ever see them looking a little homeless, just know it is driving me nuts! These are all rediculous, I know that, but worst of all I am a bit of a neat freak at my house. In a perfect world I'd like to have everything in it's place all the time, never touching it to use it or play with it. What would we do for fun then? Why sit and stare at the clean house of course!

This is where I get into trouble. I have four kids. They have tons of stuff. There are trails of it all over the house. I try hard to "keep my cool" and not let normal kid/household messes get to me, but sometimes, when I've had a particularly long night with the baby or when we've been really stressed and busy, or when I have a lot of underlying worries on my mind, or when Cody is gone on a trip for work (as is the case right now, he's in Nebraska) I have a more difficult time holding it together and my top can blow as fast as Mt. Vesuvius. It's not a pretty picture when Monster Mom comes out, and most of the time it has nothing to do with my kids or the mess, exactly. And now that I am figuring that out I feel I am winning the battle.

I always planned to be the perfect mom (who still finds time to make herself look amazing) with a sparkling clean house, an adoring husband who enjoys her gourmet meals, and a fine set of little ones who think her singing, story-telling and cookies are the absolute best.

Hello, how delusional am I? I am totally not perfect! I guess I think if I keep having kids I'll get it right one of these days. Until then, I'm a scrub, my house has lots of undone projects and is affectionately known as "a work-in-progress", I am thrilled if it is a well-balanced meal I'm serving the family and even more thrilled if it remotely resembles the picture in the recipe, I ache to spend more time with my wonderful husband, and as for my kids, well, they say they like my singing but I think they are just too sweet to hurt my feelings.

Maybe none of you out there can relate to this at all, but sometimes I really do wonder why I just can't seem to get this mommy/wife/homemaker thing down. I know we spend our whole lives learning, but I am 28; I thought I'd be further along by now. I had a sort of sad moment today while I was holding Sarah and she looked at me with the most beautiful blue eyes. I felt the enormous weight of being her parent, and being responsible for taking care of her. And the thought came to me that I felt sorry for her to be sent to be my daughter. Will she feel that way as she grows up? Will she be embarressed of me? Will I be someone she will want to be like? Do I have something to offer my family?

Thinking like this makes me want to pray for help, so I did and what happened was that I suddenly remembered a poem I had written last year, on a day much like today. I don't know if it will help anyone else out there, but it might be just what I needed today. The moral of the story: I'm not perfect yet, and that's okay, I'm trying.


Dear Friend at the Door

Dear friend at the door, the look on your face, your expression, it says it all:
You’ve noticed the over-turned plant and the finger paints on the wall.
You’ve seen the glob of cookie dough stuck to my rocking chair,
Doubtless then you’ve also admired the chocolate batter in my hair.

You see, we were making cookies for one of our neighbors in need,
When a bit of a food fight began: a massive cookie dough heave.
I hadn’t the heart to tell the kids that they really should not waste,
I’d bet you couldn’t have either, if you’d seen the smiles on their face.

And as for the rest of my appearance there’s a good explanation I suppose,
For why I’m still in my p.j.’s, rather than in nicer clothes.
I’d had every intention of getting dressed when early I sat up in bed,
But it seems the day has just flown by and I could never get ahead.

I was going to take a shower, right after my exercise tape
But instead I had to stitch a hole in a little hero’s cape.
I thought about putting on make-up before heading out to the store,
But before I ever got there, I was invited to a tea party on the floor.

Oh, I’d also planned to polish my nails while the baby was taking a nap,
But that was when I was cleaning up the spaghetti smeared in my lap.
So I understand if I look a fright, like something you’ve never seen.
But you see I learned a lesson last night, it came to me in a dream.

I was going about my normal life—busy making everything “just so”,
My house, my job, my family; juggling them all in tow.
When slowly one member of my dearest clan began to walk away,
Away from the family, away from me, I didn’t know what to say.

And then instantly another left, I really don’t know why,
But that one looked so awfully sad and even began to cry.
Then the future flashed before me as if it were the past
And I saw missed opportunities, memories never cast.

I saw the terrible pattern of how I’d pushed them away
Always telling them I was “too busy now”, there was just no time to play.
Could it be I’d caused them to leave? It was happening before my eyes
Two of my children now grown up and finally I realize.

It was me they’d wanted all those years, my patience, my love, my time
Not more stuff, a nicer house, or even friends; no nothing in the world they could find.

My greatest fear was upon me, with my family now torn in two
As if a tornado flew through my heart, oh what can a mother do?
And then suddenly it came to me, as clear as a crystal bell
I still had time to make it right; I knew how to make all well.

And without a second thought, I dropped my long held burden,
I let go of my pride, my time constraints, my self-image and need for perfection,
And I ran, I ran to my dear sweet ones I had neglected and been so blind
And I promised right there that loving them would now fill my time.

Does that mean that I never serve or look beyond my own home?
No, but now when I go I have four little helpers in tow.
And instead of dragging them around with me as spectators in my life,
I now beg to be a part of their’s, I’ll take the joy and the strife.

Because together we are so much more than we could ever be alone,
We’re stronger and happier, finding Heaven exists in our home.
Life has become more fulfilling, His true purposes manifest-
Because I’m learning to give my family what they deserve, my best.

Our new baby is HERE!!!

Announcing the birth of

Sarah Mae Hamer!

Born Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 7:56 am.
She is a beautiful 7.2 lbs. and 20 inches!

I went into labor on Wednesday and our newest little sweetheart was in our arms the next morning. It was a rough labor because my epidural had a kink in the line so it didn't work at all but so far our recovery is going great. We came home on Friday and are so glad to all be together as a family. Sarah is such a doll with beautiful, delicate features and lots of reddish-blonde hair! She is so snuggly and so pretty, but boy does she know how to cry when she wants to. I was nervous, a lot, to bring her home but everything is going so well so far and we are so happy and feel so blessed to have our sweet little girl!

What a week!

So last week was pretty awesome! Saturday I was given a "surprise" baby shower. (Thanks Cassy, Laura, Mindy and Mom for all of your hard work!) It was SO beautiful! I really couldn't believe how lovely it turned out and how sweet and thoughtful the girls were to me. Jocelyn and Aimee were invited to come and they thought that was great. But just like me, I forgot to take pictures of the guests! Oh well. The rest of the day I finished doing research for my church lesson the next day (it was a bit of a procrastination week) which was good because I learned so much. Unfortunately, the next morning I woke up not feeling very well at all. Cody and I were up early making our traditional heart-shaped pancakes and decorating the table for Valentines. The kids were all so excited for Valentines and enjoyed the necklace and rose Cody gave them (Ben got pj's). Cody really gets into holidays and that is always fun for the kids. (Check out his "Mr. Napkin-head video".)
Then when we were getting ready for church I started feeling quite a bit worse. I was combing Joc's hair and I got so dizzy and tired! ( I couldn't lift my arms to brush her hair. Weird!) So my husband, the Sunday School Pres, insisted I couldn't go teach my Gospel Doctrine class and he went and did it for me on the fly. I stayed home and slept almost the whole block of church and when the fam came home I woke up, then went back to sleep for two more hours. That is crazy for me because I really never sleep during the day. I just couldn't stay awake and whenever I was awake I was so dizzy. Also a little cough was creeping in. That night was fun though because Cody, a hopeless romantic, made me his specialty, chicken enchiladas, rice pilaf and salad, and we ate by candlelight and danced on the kitchen floor. Then we snuggled and he stayed awake for an entire Jane Austen movie. That's love.

Monday was busy, but the highlight was my buddy Staci was given tickets to the Paul Cardall concert at Abravanel Hall. She was so sweet to invite me and even took me to dinner before the show. I felt so spoiled! Ü The concert was fabulous!!! Our seats were LITERALLY the best in the house and she'd been given permission to go back stage to meet everyone too! Paul, who I already know because he had his heart transplant last year and I've chatted with him and his wife so many times at the hospital, was so kind and gracious and I was really proud of him doing this amazing concert just five months after his transplant. And now to my "star struck" moment, there were some of Paul's friends in the music business performing as well including Mindy Gledhill (who is so talented and darling and gave Staci and I hugs!) but holy cow for me, I met Peter Breinholt! I totally LOVE his music (it's been my "happy place" for several years now) and it was awesome to see him perform, but even more awesome to meet him backstage where he chatted alone with me for like five or ten minutes! I froze with excitement. To say I embarressed myself would be the understatement of the century! He asked me my favorite song--I couldn't remember!!! Anyone that knows me knows I never run out of things to say, but I totally looked rediculous! Oh well, he was nice and Staci assured me he's probably used to "groupies" being silly around him. It was such a great night and the best part was being with Staci. She is a wonderful friend who really lifts me up and makes me happy.

But the next day, that little cough wasn't so little anymore. I felt yucky. Wednesday too, and finally I had to go to the dr. Pneumonia! Hello! I totally don't have time for that! Cody had gone with Joc on her school field trip,

her first time on a school bus!, which was fun for them. We were all up that whole night, Ben and Aimee had tummy aches and no one could sleep with me coughing like crazy. Thursday was the worst. I couldn't get out of bed if I wanted to so Cody had to stay home and be Mr. Mom. He did a great job and was so thoughtful to me. Each day I feel a little better. Thanks Laura for bringing us dinner that night!

On Friday I went to the baby dr. And here's the good news... I was already a 3 and 75%! (He said it was all that coughing, oh, and this is my fourth baby so my body kinda knows what to do by now.) And the baby is in the right position so any day now the little cutie could decide to make his or her appearance! My doctor scheduled the hospital for March 8 if I haven't gone on my own before then. That is two weeks from today! It is nice to have an ending date floating out there. It's like, worst case, I only have to make it till then! After the dr's we went and bought Ben his big boy car seat, finally! I have been lugging him around in his infant seat even though he is 15 months because I like that I can cover him at the store with all the germies around. But a big brother he will soon be and we have to get ready for the baby. Yeah!

And finally Saturday was a really great day too. Cody went to the temple in the morning with his presidency and I stayed home and did normal stuff; baths for the kids (all four of them! I did a hula hoop motion and said the water in my tummy was swishing around cleaning the baby inside. Jocelyn and Aimee thought I was nuts! Okay, I am. Ü) did some laundry, and we all got ready for...the IHH fundraiser at the Olympic Oval! That was a good time! I could really tell how much effort Staci, Jessica and all of the volunteers had put in. The girls went ice skating with Cody.


Again I wish I had taken more pictures. It was a really fun event with lots of good food and great company and it's always nice to see so many people you share the common bond with. Congenital Heart Defects affect sooo many people and I really feel like a family every time we get together. So that was really fun. I was way tired by the time we had to leave though but we had to hurry home and shove in dinner that was in the crock pot so we could make it to the wedding of Brad, one of Cody's best friends from high school. It was a beautiful reception and they were a lovely couple.

So much more happened this week and it felt like we were running nonstop. By Sunday we all needed a day of rest and it was totally pleasant. I am so much better now and we are busy with the new week ahead.

So Benny had his circumcision a week ago and is recovering well from that. And then yesterday he had his cath and biopsy. Dr. Day said everything went really well and the pressures in his heart looked pretty good. He was a little concerned about the spidery veins that are coming off his coronary on the right side of his heart because there are a lot of them and they go to his lungs not to his heart so he just said we'll have to watch it and make sure that it doesn't take away blood needed for the heart. But so far that looked okay and the leaky tricuspid valve looked okay too. We still haven't gotten the lab or biopsy (I guess they ended up taking 5 pieces of the heart out to run tests on) results back yet but should on Monday. We anticipate everything will be fine though. Ben had a bit harder time coming off he anesthetic this time and he was quite grouchy and restless. Not at all like his regular sweet temperment but we felt badly for him, he'd had a rough day and was so hungry and tired and the nurses kept waking him up! Cody and I were grouchy about that too. It was a REALLY long day, as they always are, and we were exhausted when we got home, but were so thankful to be home and not having to stay overnight. It was nice too to have seen quite a few of our friends and visit with them. I have another post about yesterday that I am working on but it's kinda emotional, so it might take a little bit to get up.

Who do you think I look the most like?

Jocey, Aimee, or Ben?
Am I a boy or a girl?

So I went to the ultrasound the other day and was completely reassured. The baby looks great, actually remarkably adorable!, and we couldn't see anything that wasn't just the way it should be. The baby has almost caught up to my due date, just two weeks behind now, so I'll have to try to wait until closer to March 15 if I can. Which might be easier said than done, I mean mentally-- I sorta get a little grouchy the last week or two, not that any of you can relate to that at all! But I have tons to do to keep me busy. The fun thing about having the ultrasound this late in my pregnancy is we were able to get some amazing pictures of the baby's face. That's why I haven't posted about the u/s until now--I've been trying to figure out my scanner so I can post the pics (working a toaster is technologically a challenge for me at times, don't laugh, I often have to ask Jocey to help me figure out the Blue Ray, the cell phone, or the IPod. With each year I think I am regressing mentally...) So I will try to get those up tonight, because they are so darn cute I have to show everyone!

Baby news...

Well lots of people have been asking for updates on the new baby. Yes I'm still prego, but I haven't posted about it in a while. Mostly everything's been going fine, I feel prego, which isn't always fabulous but that's okay.
So to answer the most popular questions, no, we don't know the baby's gender. We actually decided to be surprised this time around. It's pretty exciting having that surprise to look forward to and in fact we haven't even thought of the name possibilities yet. It's not that we don't care about the baby or even that we don't have time to think about it. I just have this picture in my mind of how fun it will be for Cody and I to have this little moment together when the baby's born. You know, it kinda feels a little routine for us, the fourth pregnancy, and he doesn't ask as many questions or carry around the "What To Expect When You're Expecting" book all the time like he had in the past and I haven't decorated the baby's room or anything like that yet. So I think it gives a sense of suspense to a road already traveled.
The other thing everyone asks is when is my due date and that's a tricky-er question. Technically it is March 5, but the dr's said they want me to hold off as long as I can up to March 15 because the baby has been measuring really small (I've been going every two weeks for several months to track the baby's growth and for a while it seemed to stop altogether) and they've been a bit concerned. I had my mega ultrasound at 22 weeks and a fetal echo at Primary's and both looked pretty great, but they are concerned enough that I have to repeat my mega ultrasound, tomorrow actually, to make sure the baby really is okay and doesn't have some form of birth defect or that it is still thriving inside me. My last dr's visit was a little more hopeful, so we'll just have to see how it goes tomorrow. I anticipate everything will be fine; I don't have any crazy "mom intuition" type feelings like I did with Benny. But really, one of my dr's main concerns is that I might have to deliver early and I seriously am not ready for that. I've been crazy busy in January and February looks really stressful too, but those things aren't important. We just have to make sure that the baby is doin' fine and I am sure everything will work out just according to plan (I mean Heavenly Father's plan, I learned a while ago that my plans never really work out Ü).
So that's about it. I am going to make a blankie for the baby in the next few weeks and we'll go through the kids clothes and pull out any that we can reuse and I'll get busy on this massive "To Be Done Before The Baby Comes" list and I'll let ya know when I know more.

Repeating the past?

I am not a very speedy blogger these days, well ever really, and there are so many things I never posted about. Gradually, as I think of them, I guess I'll go back and share some memories and pictures if I have them too. Here are two experiences from last year that are on my mind lately probably because we're close to reliving them again.
The first was when Benny had his G-tube put in last June. We knew it was really important for him, because he just wasn't getting enough nutrition and he couldn't have the tubes in his nose forever. But still it was a bummer to need another surgery, another hole in his body, another tube hanging out all of the time and of course, another stay at the hospital. I was trying to be positive the whole day but I was pretty bummed. Until...
...it was all over and he'd done great, didn't seem to mind it too much and really it did make life soooo much easier for him. He started gaining weight pretty soon and with occupational therapy coming every month he started eating on his own little by little and was actually making so much progress that the tube came OUT in December!!! Yeah! He has had a few set backs since then but overall he's doing great.
This is on my mind because Ben is having surgery next Friday to have his circumcision finally. It is out patient but it does have to be done under full anesthesia at Primary's since he is so grown up now (I guess the docs don't think that little one year old boys would hold very still while they snip around his diaper area.) Poor guy. But it's necessary, especially if you ask Cody!

Also I've been thinking about last June when we had the scariest phone call one afternoon after a long day at clinic. I had been told everything looked good while we were at the hospital, but that afternoon, we got the dreaded call that the cardiologists were pretty sure he was beginning to reject his heart. Aaaahhhh!!! I was shaking so much while they were explaining it to me on the phone...they'd looked over his last few echos and seen increasing changes...they'd been monitoring his blood work...but it all boiled down to the bottom line-- they were concerned enough that we would have to go back at 6am the next morning for an emergency heart cath and biopsy (where they take a small chunk of the heart out to test for rejection). You have to realize, those of you that haven't been through a heart cath with your little one (I am SO GLAD about that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone!), but it is SO VERY dangerous. I mean they insert the lines through his groin and push them up through his arteries to his heart, trying not to poke a hole and cause him internal bleeding. They have a camera on one of the lines that takes some amazing pictures and I think it's the second line that has the claw to remove a piece of the heart. They also placed a central line in his neck where they were able to get 17 tubes of blood and give medicines throughout the procedure. It took more than 2 hours to get the lines placed because his veins are so tiny and have been through so much. All during that time we had no clue what was taking so long and were terrified something horrible had happened. This was his first cath since he'd left the hospital and he had had horrible experiences the other times. Several times his heart had stopped completely and they were able to revive him using the paddles when he didn't respond to medication. Also they'd had to do an emergency ballooning of one of his valves once and that was so terrifying--the doctor gently tried to tell us that we may have said our last goodbye to him. It was horrible. But thankfully...

...that wasn't exactly the circumstance this time. It was a REALLY long day, and poor Ben was feeling miserable, but finally the good news came. No trace of rejection! What the doctors had seen on his echos was increasing shadowing and they didn't know if it was Coronary Artery Disease, Cancer or some form of rejection. What they found in the cath, thanks to those amazing pictures, was that somehow, in the few months since his transplant, he had actually grown a second coronary artery with lots of little spidery veins growing around it and it was producing the shadow. It's a little bit of a bizarre phenomenon, but may turn out to be a blessing later. Long story later, he was just fine and we were cleared to go home.

This is on my mind because Ben will be one year post transplant on February 5th and so he will have to have another cath and biopsy that day and then yearly after that. I don't have any reason to believe anything will be wrong, but the procedure itself scares me and tries my faith. Please keep him in your prayers that day if you can.

Ben's new game!

So Ben climbs up to the kitchen railing...

flirts shame-
lessly...

Until I come up and kiss him through the bars. I cannot resist!