Devastating news...

So this is just horrible. I just found out on Friday night that Dr. Hawkins, Ben's primary surgeon, is very sick and has taken an indefinate leave of absense. I really appreciate a dear friend Kristen for letting me know this sad news. It came at a rough time for me because Cody was gone on a business trip and I was frustrated, lonely and really missing Cody. I cried for a few hours after I read her email. And it has taken me until now to be able to write about it.

I believe that very often our Heavenly Father uses others to answer our prayers and to bless our lives. He gives them special talents to help them, extra compassion, and frequent inspiration. Dr. Hawkins is one of those people. He truly means so much to our family. He worked so hard to save our son's life specifically three times during difficult and risky surgeries but also so many other times with his knowledge, resourcefullness, willingness and determination for Ben when so many others doubted.

I remember the first time we met him. It was the day of Ben's first open heart surgery actually just minutes before we were to walk the long hallway and say goodbye to him. Ben was just five days old and of course we were nervous. But certainly not as nervous as Dr. Hawkins when he came to meet us, get the consent form signed and explain what he hoped for in the surgery. I remember seeing him tossle his hair from side to side and rub his face and his knees with his hands. He was so worried, and it showed. Here was this man in front of us that we had been told was the absolute best; the leader in cardiovascular surgery at Primary Children's. A great innovator, a genius, a daring but cautious surgeon. And yet he just kept saying, "I don't know, I just don't know." I remember Cody reached across Ben's little isolet bed and said, "Just do your best, that's all we can ask of you." And he said that he would. That shows though the level of concern he has for Ben and for all the little ones in his care.

I remember when he came to talk to us after the surgery and I, who was just ecstatic that Ben survived!, couldn't believe that Dr. Hawkins didn't seem more relieved and pleased. But by the next surgery and then the days leading up to the transplant we got to know him better and realized the extreme high expectations he has for himself. He knows that everyday he comes to work, the lives of these precious children are in his hands. What an enormous burden to bear!

I was lucky to have two private conversations with him that really epitimized his extraordinary character to me. One was the day of Ben's transplant. I can't tell you the rollercoaster of emotions that day held for me, and I soon realized for Dr. Hawkins as well. Before Ben's mitral valve replacement surgery Dr. Hawkins had said that if they stocked hearts on the shelves like they did with artificial valves he would have done that procedure all along, because he knew the risks for Ben with the mitral valve replacement and how weak and damaged his heart really was (Ben still holds the record for the youngest and smallest child ever to have a mitral valve replaced at Primary's). So I thought when the donor heart became available for Ben that Dr. Hawkins would be so pleased. And he was, but disappointed too. In himself. He just kept saying that he wished there was more that he could have done to save Ben's heart. He said that he had tried so hard, that he had done absolutely everything he could think of, and that the memory of how damaged it was still plagued his mind. And then he asked who we would like to perform the surgery. "Duh, YOU!!!", that's what I felt like saying. How could he even imagine that we would want anyone else? He is so humble. And I saw the depth of his love for these sweet heart defect babies.

The second conversation was when he was restitching a chest tube that had come out. He started the conversation the same way most of his conversations started, with the Kansas Jay Hawks. He seemed in a chatty mood so I started asking him about living in Kansas, where my family way back when is from too. He told me he recently went back to help his mom move out of her home and into a retirement home. He talked about his kids in colleges all over the country. He talked about fishing and other hobbies he used to have. I said I guess there were probably a lot of things he didn't get to do anymore (knowing his round the clock hospital life). He mentioned a few things he had wanted to do during his life, some unfullfilled goals and dreams and said, "But then I went into cardio thorasic surgery, and there went that." Truly he devoted his entire life to saving others; our little boy is just one of so very many. I know this came at great personal sacrifice to himself and his entire family. And I stood there in awe and didn't know how, on behalf of so many, to thank him.


My very good friend Staci and I would like to put together something for him, a conclaboration of sorts. We hope that this message and others we are sending out will help to spread the word. If you or anyone you know has been touched by Dr. Hawkins at Primary Children's please comment to this post with your email address. We are hoping to compile stories and pictures and time is of the essense. Please spread the word. It would mean so much to me if there was some way we could say thank you to such a wonderful man and his family.