"Keep on keepin' on"

One of the most difficult times in my life was last year shortly after we moved to our house. Ben was home and we were attempting to assimilate back into real life. I would get frustrated, frequently, that I couldn't seem to get a better handle on things. I asked for advice from some of my role-model friends and family and tried to incorporate some of it that I thought would work for us. But the problems were still there, and really, it was time for me to face them, which meant facing myself.

I am admittedly a little obsessive about things that don't really matter sometimes. For example, I only drink water and it has to be filtered and cold and I freak out if there isn't enough in the water jug for a full glass (yes we have an ice/water maker on our fridge but I don't trust it to be clean enough). I can't fall asleep during a movie and I have to finish listening to a song on the radio before I can turn the car off. I take the condition of my girls' hair seriously, too seriously, and if you ever see them looking a little homeless, just know it is driving me nuts! These are all rediculous, I know that, but worst of all I am a bit of a neat freak at my house. In a perfect world I'd like to have everything in it's place all the time, never touching it to use it or play with it. What would we do for fun then? Why sit and stare at the clean house of course!

This is where I get into trouble. I have four kids. They have tons of stuff. There are trails of it all over the house. I try hard to "keep my cool" and not let normal kid/household messes get to me, but sometimes, when I've had a particularly long night with the baby or when we've been really stressed and busy, or when I have a lot of underlying worries on my mind, or when Cody is gone on a trip for work (as is the case right now, he's in Nebraska) I have a more difficult time holding it together and my top can blow as fast as Mt. Vesuvius. It's not a pretty picture when Monster Mom comes out, and most of the time it has nothing to do with my kids or the mess, exactly. And now that I am figuring that out I feel I am winning the battle.

I always planned to be the perfect mom (who still finds time to make herself look amazing) with a sparkling clean house, an adoring husband who enjoys her gourmet meals, and a fine set of little ones who think her singing, story-telling and cookies are the absolute best.

Hello, how delusional am I? I am totally not perfect! I guess I think if I keep having kids I'll get it right one of these days. Until then, I'm a scrub, my house has lots of undone projects and is affectionately known as "a work-in-progress", I am thrilled if it is a well-balanced meal I'm serving the family and even more thrilled if it remotely resembles the picture in the recipe, I ache to spend more time with my wonderful husband, and as for my kids, well, they say they like my singing but I think they are just too sweet to hurt my feelings.

Maybe none of you out there can relate to this at all, but sometimes I really do wonder why I just can't seem to get this mommy/wife/homemaker thing down. I know we spend our whole lives learning, but I am 28; I thought I'd be further along by now. I had a sort of sad moment today while I was holding Sarah and she looked at me with the most beautiful blue eyes. I felt the enormous weight of being her parent, and being responsible for taking care of her. And the thought came to me that I felt sorry for her to be sent to be my daughter. Will she feel that way as she grows up? Will she be embarressed of me? Will I be someone she will want to be like? Do I have something to offer my family?

Thinking like this makes me want to pray for help, so I did and what happened was that I suddenly remembered a poem I had written last year, on a day much like today. I don't know if it will help anyone else out there, but it might be just what I needed today. The moral of the story: I'm not perfect yet, and that's okay, I'm trying.


Dear Friend at the Door

Dear friend at the door, the look on your face, your expression, it says it all:
You’ve noticed the over-turned plant and the finger paints on the wall.
You’ve seen the glob of cookie dough stuck to my rocking chair,
Doubtless then you’ve also admired the chocolate batter in my hair.

You see, we were making cookies for one of our neighbors in need,
When a bit of a food fight began: a massive cookie dough heave.
I hadn’t the heart to tell the kids that they really should not waste,
I’d bet you couldn’t have either, if you’d seen the smiles on their face.

And as for the rest of my appearance there’s a good explanation I suppose,
For why I’m still in my p.j.’s, rather than in nicer clothes.
I’d had every intention of getting dressed when early I sat up in bed,
But it seems the day has just flown by and I could never get ahead.

I was going to take a shower, right after my exercise tape
But instead I had to stitch a hole in a little hero’s cape.
I thought about putting on make-up before heading out to the store,
But before I ever got there, I was invited to a tea party on the floor.

Oh, I’d also planned to polish my nails while the baby was taking a nap,
But that was when I was cleaning up the spaghetti smeared in my lap.
So I understand if I look a fright, like something you’ve never seen.
But you see I learned a lesson last night, it came to me in a dream.

I was going about my normal life—busy making everything “just so”,
My house, my job, my family; juggling them all in tow.
When slowly one member of my dearest clan began to walk away,
Away from the family, away from me, I didn’t know what to say.

And then instantly another left, I really don’t know why,
But that one looked so awfully sad and even began to cry.
Then the future flashed before me as if it were the past
And I saw missed opportunities, memories never cast.

I saw the terrible pattern of how I’d pushed them away
Always telling them I was “too busy now”, there was just no time to play.
Could it be I’d caused them to leave? It was happening before my eyes
Two of my children now grown up and finally I realize.

It was me they’d wanted all those years, my patience, my love, my time
Not more stuff, a nicer house, or even friends; no nothing in the world they could find.

My greatest fear was upon me, with my family now torn in two
As if a tornado flew through my heart, oh what can a mother do?
And then suddenly it came to me, as clear as a crystal bell
I still had time to make it right; I knew how to make all well.

And without a second thought, I dropped my long held burden,
I let go of my pride, my time constraints, my self-image and need for perfection,
And I ran, I ran to my dear sweet ones I had neglected and been so blind
And I promised right there that loving them would now fill my time.

Does that mean that I never serve or look beyond my own home?
No, but now when I go I have four little helpers in tow.
And instead of dragging them around with me as spectators in my life,
I now beg to be a part of their’s, I’ll take the joy and the strife.

Because together we are so much more than we could ever be alone,
We’re stronger and happier, finding Heaven exists in our home.
Life has become more fulfilling, His true purposes manifest-
Because I’m learning to give my family what they deserve, my best.