A good lesson for my faith...

I believe we are on the earth to grow and learn and come as close as we can to our full potential. My logical, rational mind knows this is best achieved as we are tried and tested through the circumstances we encounter in life. I know it is in the refiner's fire that we are stretched and polished and that this is the only way it can be. I do know it, and when I am thinking logically, or rationally, or more in tune with the spirit than I was earlier today, I feel it deeply within me. And in those moments, truly, I am thankful for the refiner's fire, because really I do want to be better and I do want to grow and progress.

Sometimes though, I'll admit, I feel nothing but exhaustion. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. And if my own exhaustion wasn't enough, I watch it on the faces of my husband and children. I see that I am powerless to intervene in circumstances of life; that trials that affect me are not mine alone to bear, as I would much prefer. I find it difficult to see it in my children especially. I wish that worry, fear, fatigue, trial, frustration, loneliness, uncertainty and pain were not a part of their life, but then not really, because I want them to have the opportunity to grow and learn as well. It is a struggle for me though, it's true, I wish life was a little less complicated for my little ones and there was more time for them to just be kids. I wish there was more I could do to ensure they won't grow up to be victims of their surroundings but rather the strong, independent, faithful, wonderful people I know them to be.

Maybe I just need more faith all around: faith in them, faith in myself, and most importantly, faith in Heavenly Father and the Atonement of Jesus Christ. But I am not perfect, and some days I struggle. That is when I need, more than any other time, to cling to what I know and the miracles I've seen, to my family and dear friends, and to remember, as the song says to "count my many blessings".

Here's an update from Monday and Tuesday of this week:

Monday Joc & Aimee went to the dr. Jocelyn had a test showing her bladder reflux is much worse than it had been (we'd hoped she'd grow out of it) and Aimee's been struggling too. Aimee is going to have a test on Friday to see where her condition is and we are preparing for Joc to have a reconstructive surgery in the very near future.

Tuesday Ben met with his cardiologists, then the dietician (who says he needs to gain some serious weight in the next two weeks or we're going back to the NG feeding tube), then we met his new oncologist. I knew we had the appointment to meet the oncologist but I guess I was a little oblivious or unclear why. I didn't feel I'd heard a clear diagnosis for Ben from the cardiologists, so I wasn't sure what we were dealing with. Well I heard it loud and clear on Tuesday, and if I'd been sitting I'd have fallen off my chair. PTLD, Post-Transplant Lymphoproliferative Disease. It's a form of lymphoma, basically cancer of the immune system. All the time I thought we were just meeting the oncologist to answer my questions or in case it ever turned into that. Actually, it was our first "Cancer Clinic" day. What a shock! I was a long day beginning before 8am at the hospital and we didn't get home til about 6pm. But I did get my questions answered, they weren't all the answers I wanted to hear, but that's ok. At least I know where we stand and what's going on. The more information for me the better. Even statistics (which are frightening!), but I do agree with my sweet and patient friend Staci, who knows Ben so well. She was cheering me up tonight and reminded me, that when it comes to Ben, statistics are just made to be broken. There truly has been no holding him back before and we can only hope for the same with this new challenge. I mean why not, if it's Heavenly Father's will that Ben sticks around for a while longer, then that's what will happen. And you wouldn't hear me complain, I love our little guy!

I'll try to post more when I can. I know I'm not very diligent at it, but just know we are still here and have taken the advice my mom used to tell me when I was a girl-- "Just keep on keepin' on". For right now, that's all we can do.